What happened to my wife?

Heidi has been pregnant for about 8 months now. It's hard to remember a time when she wasn't pregnant, but man I cannot wait until this is over. I just want my wife back!

She's turned into a crazy person. The other night we ate at the new Mimi's Cafe that opened near us. We got there and were told that the wait would be about 25 minutes. At the time that sounded OK to Heidi. We sat at the bar and had a couple of Cokes while she looked over the menu. About 30 minutes in she had not only memorized the menu, but she knew exactly what everyone in the room had to eat in front of them. She does this thing where she sizes up every plate that passes by her. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't cute, but its also getting very scary. A few times I was scared that she was going to steal one of the plates. I could just see the plan forming in her head. Maybe she'd trip the waitress and the food would land in Heidi's lap. Trust me, I wouldn't put it past her. We finally were seated after waiting about 30-40 minutes.

By this time Heidi is pretty hungry. When hunger hits a pregnant woman there is barely a waiting period. Once she utters the words "I am so hungry" you've got about 45 seconds to put food in front of her before she turns crazy on you. Unfortunately it takes Heidi about 20 minutes to decide what she wants to eat (even though she just spent 40 minutes memorizing the menu). She did this before the pregnancy but since then its been 10 times as worse. We finally order and Heidi asks for a cheeseburger, well done. The waitress (who's obviously not qualified to talk to pregnant women) tells Heidi that a well done burger will take about 20 minutes. I'm not really sure what happened after that but the police tell me the waitress has a pretty good chance of coming out of the coma.

OK just kidding. She ended up ordering a different sandwich and for a moment things seemed fine. Unfortunately 20 minutes later we still have no food. Keep in mind that its been about an hour and a half since Heidi said she was hungry (see 45 second rule above). I was starting to fear for the safety of the other restaurant patrons at this point. Luckily Heidi was able to flag the waitress down and we were able to get a muffin while we waited for the food. In the end only a few people were injured and we weren't even charged for the muffin.

It's an interesting thing eating out now. I kid around but Heidi is cute as hell when she gets hungry. And I'm loving all the attention we get now that she looks really pregnant. Everyone stares at her with big smiles and strangers will come and say "congratulations mommy!" Its like being married to a celebrity.